Muffy Jane Attacks!
by Crys Miss
Summary: A parody of "Mary Sue" fan fics. When a new girl arrives at Hogwarts, everyone falls for her sugar sweet act. Everyone but Hermione. Part One is up!!!
1. Part One

Muffy Jane Attacks!: Part One  
a humorous parody   
  
  
A/N: BEWARE! This is supposed to be humorous. And it's sort of a parody of "Mary sue" fanfic. Where a perfect new girl comes to Hogwarts and everyone likes her. Except ____(fill in blank). They see right through her little act. They see that she's THE DEVIL!!!!! MU HAHAHA!!!!! Well, not quite. But you know, she's evil. This is going to be short. Just sorta "haha! your fic sucks. I'm going to laugh at you." No, just kidding. *ducks* Anyway, R/R. Flame if my story sucks. You know the drill. Oh yeah. I almost forgot, the characters are supposed to be horribly OOC.   
  
  
  
  
  
"Oh my gosh!" Squealed Parvati Patil. "Look at the new girl's robes!"  
"They are sooooo cute." Agreed Lavender Brown.  
"Whatever," Whispered Hermione Granger to her friends, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. "What a phony."  
Her friends, however didn't answer her. They were taken by the new girl's beauty.   
"Ugh." Muttered Hermione. Why were they staring at her? Ron was supposed to like her.  
"Whoa." Said Ron. "She's a babe." (A/N: Muhahaha! I couldn't type that without laughing.)  
"Yeah," Replied Harry. "Let's go talk to her."  
"What about me?" Hermione asked Ron and Harry's retreating backs. "Jerks."  
Hermione followed behind Ron, Harry, and the new girl as they walked to the Great Hall. She wasn't spying, she told herself. Just happened to be walking right behind them listening to everything they said.  
"My name is Muffy Jane Smith," She heard the new girl tell Ron and Harry. "But you can call me Muffy." The new girl added with a sickening giggle.   
Harry winked at her. "Whatever you say, babe." (A/N: Ok. This is more of a horribly OOC humor story than a parody. Sorry.)  
Muffy giggled and flashed Ron and Harry a smile. Her teeth were so white Hermione needed sunglasses (muggle glasses that block the sun) and they were very straight. Her parents would love this girl, Hermione thought bitterly. Hermione never hated anyone before, but she bet this was what it felt like.  
"Have you seen the new girl?" Seamus Finnigan asked Dean Thomas. "She's totally fine."  
Hermione wanted to scream. Muffy wasn't "totally fine"! Okay, maybe she was all right. With her long, fluffy golden blond hair that cascaded down her back, and her sparkling, ocean blue eyes. Of course their was her petite ski slope (A/N: No clue...just the only description of a nose I've ever heard.)nose and her perfect smile. Oh and, the gorgeous robes of the same ocean blue as her eyes. All right, all right! She was drop dead gorgeous. But there was something not quite right about her. Hermione couldn't put her finger on it though.  
Silently, Hermione slipped into the Great Hall. Everyone was discussing the new girl.   
"Hello," Said Hermione sitting down next to Harry and Ron.  
They barely looked up. "Hey," They both greeted her distractedly.  
Hermione followed their (and everyone else in the Great Hall) eyes's. They were staring at Muffy, who was sitting on a stool in front of the Hall. She was about to put the Sorting Hat on her head. Oh no, Hermione thought. I missed it's song.   
Muffy sat on the stool for about five minutes. "Probably," Muttered Hermione resentfully. "Because she has so many good qualities the Hat just doesn't know where she would belong."  
Nobody heard Hermione because at that moment the hat shouted, "GRYFFINDOR" and the whole table burst into a deafening applause. Hermione felt her heart sink. She didn't think that the Gryffindors had even given Harry this big of an applause when he got sorted.  
Muffy sat down next across from them, next to Seamus and Dean. She giggled and pretended to be humble as she basked in everyone's attention. Hermione glanced around the room (before she got sick from looking at Muffy). The Ravenclaw's looked very disappointed, the Hufflepuff's looked sad, and the Slytherin's looked jealous.   
"I think I'm in verrrry (she rolled her 'r') good company," Drawled Muffy in her sickeningly sweet voice. She fluttered her eyelashes flirtatiously at Seamus. He was practically drooling all over himself.  
"W-w-what ye-year are you in," Stuttered Ron, losing his sense of speech. Hermione wanted to reach over and slap him. But she retained herself.  
"Sixth," Drawled Muffy in that way that made Hermione's skin crawl. She is evil, Hermione thought. I know it.  
An hour later Muffy stood up, pushing out her enormous chest, and announcing loudly, "Well, I think I'll go get settled."   
Muffy swept out of the Great Hall, followed by many girls offering to let her room with them. All the boys goggled after her.  
"She's...incredible!" Gasped Dean.   
All the other boys could do was nod weakly.  
-----  
Hermione heard an all too familiar sugar sweet drawl coming from her dormitory. She ran in.  
"Noooooo!" She said softly. Muffy was laying on a bed between Parvati's and Lavender's. Her long blond hair was spread out over her back.   
Muffy looked up when Hermione came in.  
"Hello," Said Muffy. "I don't believe we met. You are Hermione right?"  
"Yes." Croaked Hermione. "I hope you don't mind I'm rooming with you," Muffy said in a way which sounded like she thought the idea of not wanting to room with her was ludicrous. Hermione wanted very much to say 'Yes, get out!! So she did.  
"Yes. Get out!!!!" Shrieked Hermione. "You are ruining my life all ready."  
Muffy, Parvati, and Lavender stared at her in shock.   
"I was invited," Drawled Muffy calmly, but her eyes flashed dangerously. "I think you should get out."  
"Yeah," Agreed Parvati. "I can't believe you said that to her!"  
"You should apologize, Her-my-ow-nee." Lavender pronounced every syllable of her name.  
"Meanwhile get packing," Said Muffy coldly.   
Hermione quickly packed up all her stuff. She threw one last glare at them and left the room.  
Hermione popped back into the room. "I'LL GET YOU BACK! I'LL SHOW YOUR EVIL SIDE TO EVERYONE MUFFY!!!!!!!!!!!" She hollered.  
Muffy, Parvati, and Lavender looked at her like she was insane.   
Hermione left without a second glance. She dragged her stuff towards Ginny's room. She would left Hermione stay with her. Even if everyone else were coming out of their rooms to glare at her as she passed.  
Now I am an outcast, Hermione thought angrily. I'll get her back if it is the last thing I do.  
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AHAHAHAHA!!!! Done with this chapter. Enjoy it? Sorry for shortness! Review. Next part, I'll put lots of humor. Report typos to me in your review, please. I want to rid this charming peice of work of all mistakes. :-P  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Part Two

Muffy Jane Attacks! : Part Two  
a humorous parody  
  
  
A/N: This is also supposed to be humorous. Well, no duh Einstein. If the other part was supposed to be funny, you thought I'd make this one serious? *ahem* I am now questioning your sanity. Er, okay. I am talking to nobody. Mooooving on. This is still a parody. R/R. Flame if you have to, I'm talking life or death situation here. Oh, I need to warn you. I AM SUGAR HIGH, EXCEPT I HAVEN'T HAD ANY SUGAR!!!!!!!!! No, I am not literally high. I just might act like it!!!!! (haven't I already?) And, I know it's tempting, but don't steal Muffy. That's all. Enjoy!!!  
  
  
  
  
"Yeah, so I already hate Muffy, and then I come in and find she's staying in my dorm!" Exclaimed Hermione.  
"How awful," Said a sympathetic Ginny. Hermione was now staying with Ginny and Ginny's friend, Minny. (A/N: MUWAHAHA!) She had been kicked out of HER OWN DORM by the sinister Muffy.  
"I know. It's unspeakable!" Agreed Hermione. "Anyway, she kicked me out of my own dorm-"  
"Why?" Asked Ginny. "Didn't Lavender and Parvati say anything?"  
"They wanted me out just as bad," Continued Hermione. "I yelled at her to get out."  
Ginny looked surprised. "Why?" She asked again.  
"Because I am so sick of her "I'm-Muffy-the-princess-of-Hogwarts" act." Replied Hermione.  
"Oh," Began an uncertain Ginny. She didn't know if she should continue, since Hermione had clearly lost her mind. Ginny decided to go on anyway. "Muffy isn't all that bad. She's really sweet!"  
"SWEET?!" Screeched Hermione in disbelief. "I'm fairly certain she is evil."   
"Will you quite acting as if you are possessed by an evil demon!" Exclaimed Ginny. (A/N: Evil demon? Hmm.)  
"I am not!" Yelled Hermione. Why was Ginny taking Muffy's side?  
"Maybe you are imagining Muffy's evilness because-" Ginny paused. "You are jealous."   
Hermione looked like she was about to bust a cap. (A/N: Fine. I'll change it. *pouts* Ignore this line!)  
Hermione looked like she was going to have another fit. (A/N: revised *_*) "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"  
"Well, Muffy comes in the school for ten minutes and she gets more attention then you have in all your five years here." Explained Ginny. "All your friends like her. And all the guys think she's a foxy mama." (A/N: LMAO at my own story.)  
"Yes, that is so annoying!" Replied Hermione. "I mean just because she's pretty and has a retched- ok sweet- personality is no reason to fall over her." Hermione pouted.  
"Oh well." Sighed Ginny. "You should try to get along with her instead of thinking negative."  
"I'll be CIVIL." Said Hermione. "But I will still try to find out her evil secret."  
"Right," Replied Ginny uncertainly. "I think you need some rest."  
"You can sleep on the other side of Minny." Added Ginny.  
Minny gave Hermione a disgusted look. Hermione ignored her (even though she felt like strangling the brat)  
After quickly situating her belongings, Hermione fell asleep.   
-----  
Hermione woke up early the next morning in a bad mood. She had a nightmare. Muffy had been surrounded by her admires (which included Harry, Ron, Dean, Seamus, Parvati, Lavender, Snape(A/N: WTF?), Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Hagrid). They all had started to whisper and laugh when Hermione walked in the room, then Muffy said, "We called St. Mungo's...they have come to take you away." And these people came and put her in a straight jacket. Everyone just laughed and laughed while she was being dragged away. The weirdest thing was, when she got to the mental hospital Hagrid and Muffy were there doing ballet. And Hagrid was in a tutu. Then it ended.  
Needless to say, Hermione was very traumatized by this dream. She didn't know what it meant either. Surely the school wasn't going got put on a ballet starring Hagrid. Or were they...Dumbledore is a little mad.  
"Hi." Ginny greeted her. Apparently she had slept badly too, because she was already up and dressed at 6:00.  
"Hey." Replied Hermione. "Let me get ready, then we can go to breakfast."  
"Ok," Said Ginny. "I hope everyone has forgiven you for the Muffy thing."  
"Me too." Agreed Hermione, and she really did.  
Ten minutes later Hermione finished getting ready. "Let's go."  
As Hermione and Ginny were climbing out the portrait hole they saw Muffy gliding down the stairs, closely followed by Lavender and Parvati. She was humming, but when she caught sight of Hermione she stopped. Muffy gave her one long, hard glare then turned back to the giggling pair of idiots. (A/N: Sorry. That's Hermione's opinion of them. Not mine.)  
Hermione shuddered. That stare was enough to freeze over Hell. Hermione was more certain than ever that Muffy was a messenger of the devil, or something like that. Hermione and Ginny hurried to the Great hall.  
Four hours of complete torture later, Hermione flopped down on her bed. Everyone knew about her yelling at poor innocent Muffy and they all hated her for it. Well, Ginny doesn't and harry and Ron don't. They just don't agree with her. They think she shouldn't have yelled. "I would pay a lot of galleons to have Muffy room with me!" Was the exact quote from Ron.   
"Whatever," Muttered Hermione. "I'm still going to expose the little monster." (A/N: I crack myself up...scary.)  
"Who are you talking to?" Drawled a voice from the hallway. Hermione had left the door open.  
"Nobody," Replied Hermione, trying to force a smile. "Myself."  
"Oh," Muffy raised an eyebrow. "So, you were talking to yourself? Should I be worried?"  
"About what?" Asked Hermione.  
"Your sanity." Said Muffy coldly. Two people behind her burst into giggles. Those giggles were familiar. Sure enough when Muffy marched off Hermione got a clear view of Parvati and Lavender. They smirked at her and ran after Muffy. She rolled her eyes, but she felt betrayed a little. Those were her roomies!  
"I just need to calm down," Hermione told herself. "And what better than a good read to do that."  
So Hermione searched through her stack of books (which was four feet high). But she didn't see Hogwarts: A History. Oh no, Hermione thought. It's in the other room.  
She gathered all her strength not to scream, "NOOOOOOO!". But, unfortunately, she was very worn out so she had very little strength. Once again she let lose, "NOOOOOOO!"   
After that outburst Hermione walked slowly, like a prisoner headed for the electric chair, and entered her old room five minutes after she left. It was normally a thirty second walk so she congratulated herself. Then headed into her old dorm.   
She gasped. It went to ruins! Makeup, hair products, clothes, and plenty of other girly things were scattered all over the room. Posters of "cute" young wizards were plastered all over the wall. Muffy, Lavender, and Parvati looked up from the magazine they were looking at.  
"What?" Asked Muffy in the steely voice she reserved for Hermione.  
"I left...book...Hogwarts...old bed.." Hermione couldn't string a sentence together because of how shocked she was at the way her old dorm looked. It was once tidy and had nothing on the walls.  
Lavender looked at her weird. "Get it and go."  
Hermione waded through all the clothes and such on the floor. She walked over to the bed that used to be hers for four great years. Tears stung her eyes as she saw her faithful, beloved bed was now strewn with clothes. There were piles and piles of blouses, skirts, pants, shorts, dresses, jackets, robes, nightgowns, you name it. She looked under pile after pile of clothes until she pulled out Hogwarts: A History. There was a large smeared red stain. She studied this new found blotch angrily. It was Raving Raspberry lipstick. How dare they? Hermione felt violated.  
Muffy, Lavender, and Parvati burst into loud giggles. The giggles turned into laughs as she turned around.  
A single tear slid down Hermione's cheek, she wiped it away. Hermione left the dorm, this time in a run. She wanted to get back to her dorm as fast as possible. The cold screeching laughter followed her, echoing on the walls.   
When she reached her dorm, Hermione slammed the door shut, and flopped onto her bed in a flood of tears. She couldn't believe how impossibly cruel Muffy was. She must have done it on purpose. And Lavender and Parvati laughed! Though, you must keep in mind, they probably had no idea what they were laughing at. (A/N: How bright!)  
"I'll get her," Murmured Hermione to her pillow. "Tonight."  
Hermione slept for a few hours. When she woke up, she checked her watch, 8:00. Hermione raced out of Gryffindor Tower and to the library. Hermione had just thought of what Muffy's secret was. She just had to check.  
Hermione spent two hours in the library and not only had she figured out what Muffy was up to, but she also went back to normal. A little time spent in your favorite place, your home away from home, your...you get the point. Anyway, it's great for times when you go insane because the new girl at your school is an intolerable, stuffy, self obsessed, friend stealer!   
Hermione sighed a blissful, happy sigh. She was about to bust Muffy. Muffy was an intolerable, stuffy, self obsessed...oh, right we already knew that. Besides being all that, Muffy was also (A/N: Er...this makes no sense! It's my humor again.) a Slutovian (A/N: comes from muggle word for slut)! A Slutovian is a beautiful girl that attracts people (like Veela, except girls too) but the problem is they only live fifteen years (A/N: Making this up as I go along.). So, right before their sixteenth birthdays they have to kiss someone because that gives them eternal life. But it kills the person they kiss. (A/N: Oh wow. What a clever definition. *_*)  
All the sudden, dread hit Hermione like a ton of bricks. She heard Muffy saying that her sixteenth birthday was tomorrow (A/N: What a coinky dink.). Which means she will be kissing the chosen one tonight! Hermione had to save them. Then another, even heavier brick hit Hermione in the head. (A/N: Had to be specific where it hit her.)  
Muffy was going to *gasp here* kiss Ron! How did she know this? The same way she knew about the Slutovian, even though everyone thought they were "extinct". It was just instincts, and a little bit of physic powers. Hermione couldn't believe Muffy really was a sinister creep and she was going to *gasp again* kill Ron! Unless Hermione saved the day- well, night- and then maybe he would even like her! (A/N: I think I said she likes him somewhere in this story but I forgot. So we have to play that up a bit.)  
Hermione checked her watch 11:00! Muffy had to do it before midnight. What if she had already done it? Hermione didn't want to think about that. She just took off toward Gryffindor Tower.  
After giving the Fat Lady the password (Muffy...J/k. "Godric.") and climbing through the portrait hole, Hermione looked around the common room. She was huffing and puffing and out of breath.  
The common room was almost all empty, except a few people, Muffy, Harry and RON! Hermione sighed in relief. But then she noticed Muffy whispering to Ron. The tip of his ears turned red and they walked off hand in hand. (A/N: *puke*) Hermione swallowed her anger at the sight and concentrated on how to save Ron.   
Hermione hurried after them. Where were they headed? Oh. Her old dorm. She paused a few feet away from the door. Could she face the messy, junkhole that used to be her lovely bedroom? Yes, Hermione thought fiercely. For Ron. She looked at her watch. 11:30.  
Hermione creeped in the room, just in time to see Muffy pushing Ron onto Hermione's old bed. Fury like she'd never felt before flowed through her blood. How dare she! Muffy was on top of Ron. She was lowering her body and (more importantly) her mouth onto Ron's.   
Hermione let out a loud, wild Tarzanish holler and ran towards Muffy and Ron. They both looked up in surprise. Hermione flew through the air and drop kicked Muffy onto the ground. Ron's mouth dropped open.  
"What the bloody-" He began but Muffy's growl interrupted him.  
Muffy had jumped back to her feet. Hermione's eyes went down to her watch. 11:40.  
Hermione let out a muffled cry. Twenty more minutes and Muffy was advancing on her.  
Hermione pulled out her wand and pointed it at Muffy. "Don't come any closer!"  
"What are you doing?" Exclaimed Ron in shock.   
"She's a Slutovian!" Replied Hermione, not taking her eyes off of Muffy.  
"A what? Those are long extinct." Yelped Ron.  
"You are crazy!" Said Muffy in a wild voice. Hermione looked at her watch 11:50.  
Ten minutes to go. Muffy was getting desperate.  
"They are not. Because Muffy is one!" Snapped Hermione. "You were going to do the kiss on Ron."  
"I was going to kiss Ron." Said Muffy in a desperate voice. "Not 'the kiss'."  
Hermione peaked at her watch. 11:55. Only five minutes.  
"Go, Hermione." Said Ron angrily. "I don't know what is wrong with you."  
At this moment Muffy came charging at Hermione, like a blond bull.  
Hermione like out a shriek and moved over at the last second. Muffy flew onto Parvati's bed. She was tangled in the curtain. And was fighting to get out. Only two more minutes.  
Muffy freed herself and ran towards Hermione again. But Ron jumped up.  
"Stop!" Shouted Ron. "Have you two gone mad?"  
"No, Ron." Hissed Muffy. "I'm a Slutovian. Didn't you hear her? I am going to die in a minute."  
"Won't you let me just kiss you?" Muffy asked.  
"Ron, don't!" Yelled Hermione. 'You'll die."   
Thirty more seconds. Hermione heard footsteps running up the stairs. Coming down the hall towards them.  
Muffy had Ron pinned on Hermione's bed, she was lowering her mouth.   
Twenty more seconds. The footsteps were right outside the door.  
Muffy's mouth was a couple inches from Ron's. He was wiggling around.  
"Noooooooo!" Hollered Hermione. She yanked at Muffy, it didn't do anything.   
Ten seconds. The footsteps were just entering the doorway.  
With all the might she could muster, Hermione pulled Muffy away from Ron. It worked.   
Five seconds. The footsteps were crossing the room towards them,, but Hermione couldn't turn around.  
Muffy was running at them. She couldn't be bothered with Ron now, Hermione was closer. Hermione felt Muffy's lips coming closer and closer. Felt their warmth and dampness, smelt the lipstick.  
Two seconds. The footsteps had stopped. Ron and the person were pulling Muffy off her.  
One second. Muffy's gripped slipped. Then she fell backwards, and her body turned all gray.   
Hermione burst into tears and threw her arms around Ron. Instead of awkwardly patting her like he did before, he hugged her back. When they let go Hermione looked at the person. It was Parvati.  
"Holy crap! What are you doing here?" Asked Hermione in disbelief.  
"I heard shouts." Replied Parvati. "I can't believe it. Muffy..."  
Ron and Hermione nodded at the same time.  
"I'm so sorry!" Exclaimed Parvati giving Hermione a quick hug.  
"It's fine now." Said Hermione. "We should get Dumbledore..."  
"No need. I'm here." Said Dumbledore, running up beside them with Lavender.  
Lavender mouthed I'm sorry to Hermione and Hermione mouthed "It's ok."  
"I'll take it from here." Dumbledore told them as McGonagall came into the room. "You all get some sleep."  
"But, shouldn't we tell you what happened?" Asked Ron.  
"In the morning." Replied Dumbledore. They all nodded and walked out into the hall.  
"I better go to the boy's dormitory." Began Ron. "I'll see you tomorrow."  
The girls all said good bye and then went to Hermione's dorm to sleep.  
They all climbed into bed. "We'll help you move your stuff back tomorrow." Said Lavender.  
"Okay." Said Hermione. "Good night."  
And they all had a peaceful, dreamless night's sleep.  
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FINISHED  
  
  
  
  
  
AHAHAHAHA!!! Do you like it? Review and tell me. Was it funny enough? I got caught up in the plot a bit. I hope you didn't take anything seriously though. Wasn't my Slutovian idea retarted? *haha* I better go. I have a sore neck and my fingers feel like they are going to fall off!!! *deep sigh* Report typos to me. I want a perfect story. :)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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